2013

2010, my mother host the annual Gonzales' Family reunion.

I wished.  And hoped.  And prayed.

But we were not able to attend.

2011, my parents' 50th wedding anniversary.

I wished. And hoped. And prayed... harder.

But we were not able to celebrate it with them.

2012, no significant event but I still..

Wished. And hoped.  And prayed.

But we still were not able to come home.

This year... 2013

I am wishing. And hoping.  And praying.

For things that I do not want to happen

So it will never really happen!

Men In The Pedestal

Behind a great man is a great woman. That’s how it goes but apparently, behind a man’s failure is also a woman.  Have you ever noticed that great men were always been toppled by a woman? In the past years, we have seen this correlation come to life before our very eyes.

Who could forget the now infamous, White House Intern Monica Lewinsky and a so called friend Linda Tripp who tediously recorder her conversation with Monica that almost cause President Clinton’s impeachment.  And yet Hilary Clinton with her grace and elegance faced the humiliation and embarrassment with head held high and came out the stronger person she is right now.  I admire her for that.

Eliot Spitzer, former Governor of New York, with a $1,000 per hour call girl named Ashey Alexandra Duprè.

John Edwards, Senator and former candidate for President, affair with a former videographer Reille Hunter.  What’s extremely sad about this story is that the wife, Elizabeth who stands by this man was diagnosed with incurable breast cancer while this scandal was unfolding.  And he denied fathering a child with Hunter not admitting it until the end.

Mr. Universe himself was not spared from this spectacle. Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Terminator was terminated (hahaha…) by his wife Maria Shriver, a Kennedy at that, after an explosive news about an affair with the housekeeper and having fathered a son with her.  But in spite of that Maria Shriver stand by her man that made a lot of women admire her more.  Eventually though, I guess her patience run out too, gave up and then file for divorce.  Come to think of it now, perhaps she got tired of all the other ones he had an affair with, as per the book he’s written where he confesses all his extra marital affair to his wife which I personally think is sick.  Why would you kick a person in the gut while they are already down in the gutter?  I see him now as a pathetic individual who is selfish and unkind.  Though I love his movies (i.e., The Terminator {I guess because he doesn’t have a dialogue except for the famous “I’ll be back”}, Predator, True Lies {indeed}, and of course my favorite Eraser) it is all lies.

 

And just recently, a well respected CIA Director David Petraeus not so much as publicly admitted to having the affair with the biographer Paula Broadwell yet it is all over the news and sadly the cause of his resignation from a very prominent position in the government.  Yet again, his wife Holly Knowlton though furious and hurt, stands by her man.   But the big concern here now is if he passed on classified information to her during the affair that may jeopardized the national security.  This affair might have not been know if it hadn’t been for Jill Kelly who complained to the FBI of harassment from Paula Broadwell who apparently is threatened by Ms. Kelly’s presence in the life of Gen. Petraeus.

What is wrong with these stories?  Powerful men, publicly adored and respected yet they find themselves in an awkward situations.  The key word here is “power”.  They are confident they can never be caught.  They believe they can get away with everything. And they are most certainly hoped  are going to be forgiven.  But like everything else, they are wrong with that conclusion.  Well, just some of them.

So there they were, men in pedestal, now in the hall of shame.

A Day of Celebration

As you all know, I just recently celebrated my birthday.  Back home, on a day like that, I get to have a birthday leave.  But celebration always starts on the weekend before the actual date.  My mother would cook me her special recipe called the mustard hotdog beef wrapped, my favorite of course.  My sister would cook her pansit or my sister in law would make her spaghetti with cream. Any of those, I know I would enjoy that Sunday right before my birthday celebrating with my whole family.  On the exact date though, I would imagine a wonderful plan.  Since my husband has to work that day, after he leaves for work, I would take my time eating my breakfast of coffee and pandesal with cream cheese.  Lounge around a bit before hitting the shower and off I go to  start the day with a trip at the parlor.  I will have my nails done, manicure and pedicure of course.  I will have my hair trimmed or maybe a new haircut is in order.  By the time I get done, it will be lunch time.  I will have to meet my friends for that.  Maybe a lunch out for them in Megamall or somewhere near their office will be a great place.  Chatting away during lunch could be exhausting so a movie will relax me a bit.  After a movie, shopping is next in the agenda.  This will surely take much of the time in the afternoon so while waiting for my friends to get off work, a snack at Panera Bread is perfect.  And so, the night life starts in a bar somewhere in Malate.  We would watch a live band or maybe sing our heart out at a videoke bar.  It would be in the wee hours of the morning when I would be home.

Aaahhh … a day of celebration.

But not here. On my birthday, I had to work. There is no birthday leave.  There is no weekend celebration.  And there is certainly no day in the spa.  The celebration happens a day after the actual birthday.  I had to buy Pansit Palabok and eggrolls from a Filipino store. Guests are friends whom I consider our family.  Well, this is the life I have now.  No more gallivanting to the mall in any given day.  No more leisure spa treatments, though my nails both hands and feet of course, is in desperate need of cleaning.  No more free time to do whatever I want even on a work week. 

This is the life I have now.  Get over it already!

43 And Still Growing

I just recently celebrated my 43^rd birthday (yes, you read it right) and it has come to my attention that I am not young anymore, you think? I just realized that!  With all the things going on around us, particularly me, I thought things are well but in a blink of an eye we are here at this moment.  I scarcely deny how old I am because I don’t feel that old at all.   I felt that years has gone so slowly and dragging that I don’t feel I have even aged or grown.  But as I ponder on the years, it hit me like a sack of rice in the head that time, do fly by so fast.

 I was 33 when I came to America.  Naïve but full of vigor, I thought I could do anything.  Realizing that it would take a lot of sweat and tears to survive this journey I have to take.  Sweat and tears indeed, because I have no doubt that that was what I’ve gone through during my 10 years here.  That is one thing I love about Filipinos, we are resilient and adoptive.  We can live anywhere and everywhere in a good or bad situation.  We adopt, like a chameleon.  I learned that through my years here and I am thankful to the people I’ve met along the way who made the journey easier.  Here are a few things I have come to discover and learned for the past 10 years:

1.   Not all “friends” are real. I discover that a lot of people who said that they are your friends meant nothing of the sort but they wanted to be your friend so long as they can benefit from it and get something out of it in return.  Too bad I learned that the hard way.

2.     Not all “relatives” are blood related.  Same as friends, there are so many who pretend to treat you like one but there are only few who are sincere and true.  Sometimes it is better to have a non-relative to be with rather than a blood related relative who stabs you in the back.  I have fortunately able to identify them both and happy to say that true ones have emerge the winner.

3.       In connection to number 2, you can’t choose your relatives. It is unfortunate that in a family, there will always be one who is the black sheep or a bad “apple”.  Even if the tree is as good as it gets, it does not mean that the fruits bore was as good.  Sometimes, one or two fruit is rotten.  And they are still relatives, so what can you do?

4.     Last certainly not the least, I have learned not to trust people as easily as I used to.  There are people who will just take advantage of that trust, stomp, crushed and beat you until you are lying on the floor screaming.  I have also learned my lesson here the hard way.  I am just really sorry that it had to be that way.

And so, here I am.  Forty somethin’ and still learning… growing!

Happy birthday to me.

p.s.

thanks for the best gifts ever!!!

My Love Affair

I started reading romance novel at the age of 13. Nope, I did not start with Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys but went right straight to Mills & Boons. It was a great influence from my relatively big group of women cousins, not to mention my sister who is 5 yrs. older than me, who were all reading pocket books. I witness the frequent exchanges and trade ins of the books between them. The most popular back then was Mills & Boons.  I've seen the wall of bookshelves my oldest cousin have in her room where we, my lady cousins, always gather around to borrow from her. The very first book I read was by Janet Dailey. Too much drama if you ask me but I love her just the same.

Reading to me is very fascinating.  I do not know if you experience the same way I do when I read but I think its really powerful.  Because when I am reading a book, it seems to me like I am watching a movie in my mind.  I can picture the characters and the events happening just like a movie.  I specifically like the part where I can almost feel the tension, twist and turns of the story that I am a live participant. And that starts my love affair with books.

I moved on to read authors like Jude Deveraux, Judith McNaught and of course Barbara Cartland.  These writers made me love the Victorian and Edwardian centuries.  The ballgowns and corsets added to the romanticizm of that time. I loved those historical romance books.

After a while, I jumped from one author to another, getting bored with what I read.  I am looking for that adventure and romance that I found from the previous books I read. The excitement I felt reading about riding horses, attending a ball on my gown, getting invitations for an afternoon tea in the gardens and meeting the dashing Earl or Duke who will swept me off my feet.  I guess all I need is time...

I came across a certain author named Patricia Cornwell, a recommendation from a friend.  An author who ignites my curiosity for mystery, crime and action.  Then came, Stephanie Mayers, who introduced me to the world of vampires.  I know everyone must know her name by now but for me, I've only know her from the movie Twilight. I would have never read her books if it has not been for the movie.  Then again, I give her credit for it ignites my interest for vampires.

A couple of months ago, I went to a second hand bookstore to look for more books I can sink my hand into.  I am looking for new adventures and possibly a mystery.  I saw from the top bookshelves was about eight paperback books lined up together of the same author. It seems to me that it is a series of books.  Curiosity kicks in as I grab all of them thinking, this should be good or I am returning these books.

Happy with my purchase, I got home and started reading Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris.  And whoooaaa, it was great!  I was taken to a world of supernatural that I have never been before. Yes, it was about vampires and wolves like Twilight but this is INTENSE! Really ABSURD! CH, short for Charlaine Harris, is funny, witty, smart and incredibly good.  Let me tell you that I could not put the book down as soon as I started it.  She is amazing!

So now, I would like to say I am sorry to the Montgomery's, Taggert's, Earls, Dukes and Prince's I've known all those years reading but I have a new man in my life now and his name is Eric...

Eric Northman, Viking Vampire. Bwaaahaahaaahaa...

What's Up With That?

It's Been A While

Hello bloggers... I know its been a while since my last blog.  Its not that I am very busy and have no time to log in. In fact, I am often on facebook but I was just looking around and sometimes, just doing nothing waiting for something to happen... hahaha!

But I have something to tell you about this new thing I am into.  Actually its now new to me... lets just say that I am back into reading books.  And I mean... reading a lot of books.

Apparently, the reason why I stopped reading, which I love to doing by the way, is that my eyes gets soooo tired easily and I can't read softbounds anymore due to its small letters. Yes.... yes .... yes ... I know! I just needed glasses for reading. So there you go... I finally admitted to myself that I am getting old and needed reading glasses.

Now that we have that all cleared... I am going to tell you this thing that happen to me which excites me as if I am like a teenager!

Matt Albert

I wrote this blog two years ago.  I never got the guts to publish it because I know that it was still too early to do so.  Another year have passed and I could not hold on to this feelings anymore.  Now I found my courage, made a little editing and thought its time to publish it.  I would like to apologize to my family esp. to my kuya for not asking their permission... I am so sorry, I know this is still a sensitive and hard topic for everyone but I think I need to do this to express my feelings.

It's been three years now since Albert died. I thought it's safe to finally talk about his death. But I was so wrong. Talking about Bebet, as we fondly call him, is still a very sensitive topic. Every time I mention his name to anyone, there's a certain painful tone on their voices especially my mom. It's been very difficult for her still to accept the loss. I guess it still is difficult for everyone but it is specially hard for her since she helped raised him and saw him grew up to be a fine young man. But for me, he is still the young three year old that I left behind 10 years ago. Wide eyed playful boy who just loves coming to his parents' office which is a walking distance from the house, to play with the staff which includes Loi and I. I still clearly remember his sad face every afternoon when its time to go home wondering when will be the next playdate. The funny look in this face when he swirl around the swivel chair. The naughty smile whenever we play "pitik bulag". I guess I will always have that image of him in my head. The sound of his voice ringing in my ears like he is there beside me, asking for a pair of shoes or a video game for Christmas. The feel of his body against mine when I squeeze him in a hug. The smell of him whenever I kiss him. Everyone of us have our own way of dealing with the loss. Some quietly thinks of him before going to bed. Some dreams of him in their sleep. Some expresses innocently their longiness to play with him again. Some just lingers of the thought of him. I, on the other hand have not fully grasp the loss of him since I have been away for so long. I regret that now. I could have been there many summers ago when my dad taught him and his siblings how to play tennis. I could have been there cheering him on when he started playing basketball. I could have been there to congratulate him in school for a work well done. Or could have been there when he had his first communion. I missed a lot when he was growing up but God has a better plan for him. And I know that he has his wings now and watches over us specially my mom. I just wished we had spent more time with him. More time playing with him. More time making precious memories together. All I have now are pictures of him smilling, that charming smile with his siblings and baby Enchong. A picture of him in his best blue long sleeve shirt and khaki pants with his proud papa receiving an achievement in school. Pictures of him having a grand time in the swimming pool with the whole family. And my most favorite of all, pictures of him with Enchong playing at the garden with the water hose. How time flies. Like Peter Pan, for me, he will never grow up. He will forever be that wide eyed baby boy who likes to play "pitik bulag" or "patintero" with Loi, Tey and Miko. The playful little boy I left behind ten years ago. I guess we have our own way of surviving after a loss of a loved one. I myself is not sure how I would have dealt with seeing someone I love surrender to their illness. Like a candle slowly melting away. God was good to me because He did not let me witness that because He knows I couldn't deal with it at all. I would have fought hard to keep him and that would have rift the family apart. And He is really good to me because He saved me the heartache of that sudden loss.  Now, its time to move on. Time to be grateful for our days spend with family. Time to be thankful to God that we have been blessed with the kind of family we have. Thankful that we are alive and be an inspiration to others. And thankful God allowed us to share His angel, Matt Albert with us and spend those wonderful years however short it was with him.

A Dream

I was in a room... with lots of people that I somehow know. Though I don't recognize their faces, I know that they are family and friends. There is big celebration... a wedding! A man I knew from my past stands before me and my mother, who hands me over to the man. It was an arranged marriage and everybody around us rejoices. I felt like it was pre-arranged and that it would help somehow in our situation. I soon realized that I was wearing a white wedding gown... too big to fit me and that the room we were in was a church. The man was wearing a brown t-shirt and cacky shorts. He later put on a white shirt for the wedding. While everybody was rejoicing and celebrating, I felt like its my obligation to do this. The man though felt confused but went along with it. There was no ceremony or anything like that but we were dancing in the middle of the church were people around us where happy singing and laughing. I felt like I HAVE TO marry this guy thus need to fulfill my obligation to him. We went into a private room at the back of the church. We don't know what to do. So we talked. We told each other about our feelings. Since I know this guy from childhood, we agreed to make this work for the sake of our families and friends. We went out of the room and greeted them with smiles.
I heard somebody yelled my name... JHO!

I woke up feeling a heavyness in my heart. I feel so sad. I snuggled up to my husband who is sleeping soundly next to me and I started crying.

I don't know what this means. Please help.

What's in a Name?

Different people call me by many different names and I grew up having many different alias. I guess in different stages of my growing up years, I re-invent myself and thus change my name. But there are also alias that stick with me through the years. Let us review all of them so people understands how I have come to be with many names.

I was born Diosa. It means a goddess or a female god, in case you don't know. A very unusual name for a person. Girls usually gets to be Aprodite, Venus, Athena or Hera but not diosa. Many times I asked my mom why she named me as such. Sometimes she murmurs an answer, sometimes she would just brush me of. No concrete answer. And don't let me start with my dad. He does not know squat! But I think it was my uncle, my mom's eldest brother who gave me that name. And since he is not in this world anymore, I will never know why he gave me that name.

As a Filipino tradition, my name became baby, nene or ineng since I am the youngest child. But my uncle, another of my mom's brothers have his own tradition of inventing nicknames to whomever he happens to like at that time. Don't ask me where he got those names and reasons why he does that but it is always the family's way in introducing the new kid to him. In a sense, it felt important once you got baptized by his crazy nicknames. A name totally opposite or even ridiculous than your original name. Mine happen to be "Osang Makutate".

My family got used to calling me "baby" until I started high school. I got tired being called "baby" since I am not a baby anymore, well atleast I don't consider myself that. Out of the blue, the name Joy come up. I don't know where that came from but that's another name I added to my ever growing list of nicknames. But in school... its a different story. You know how it is during teenage years. There in the middle of feeling of rebelliousness and independence, I think I developed a different personality and thus re-invent myself again and came up with the name Jho. During those years, it was very popular adding "h" to your name like, Dhel, Rhey, Lhiza or Mhel. Though a different spelling I naturally got Jho, short for Diosa. Later on, the family picked up on that nickname and so that started the name JHO.

In college, during another metamorphosis, I learned to love my "real" name. It started when boys started noticing me and vice versa. They first noticed my unusual name that led to many quotes, poems and tales. They use this to profess their admiration and honorable intentions which got my attention.

Now my family calls me Jho which I think is better than calling me Baby, which I must say pops up occasionally from cousins. Joy, I think faded away as unnoticed as it came. But my all time favorite is Osang Makutate. As unique and as Tagalog as my real name. There is only one person who still and will be the only person who calls me that. I never asked him why that name. I never asked him where he got it from. Osang sounds to me like "bakya" name but a sexy one too or is it because a sexy actress was named as such. So now I can only wonder why!

- A tribute to Amang... I miss you!

Buses and Trains

Have you ever felt like you are in a middle of a crowded room and you wanted to disappear? Or when you have a lot on your mind, decisions you have to make, weighing on your options and you just want to erease everything like a blackboard and start all over again? Or when you just want to clear your head of all the bad thoughts you were thinking? Because I do. Well, I found my way to escape all that without losing my head. I call it my "moving conscience". Whenever I feel like the world is crumbling down on me or that I need to just clear my head, I take the bus or train to wherever I wanted to go. No, I don't take them without any destination, that would be insane! I just love taking public transportation when I feel depress or lonely. I like the anonimity in a crowded train where other people are minding their own business. I like being in a bus where people come and go. I don't mind waiting in the station, standing still thinking nothing of the time whether its late or not but knowing the fact that the ride will soon come. I like watching the scenes pass by, cars and people moving about at their own pace. Tall trees I see replaced by buildings and houses as I move closer to the city. Even the traffic is a welcome annoyance to me. Because I know that after all these, I will still arrive at my destination. At the last stop, I either feel that my head is completely refreshed, depends on how long my travel is, or that partly I had cleared my head enough of any negative thoughts and ready to look at things in a different perspective. So when you see me on a bus or train, don't hesitate to say hi but be aware that I'm not there for long conversations. Don't feel offended if I ignore you for the rest of the trip.

12 Things I love about my husband

It's our 12th year Anniversary and I thought I pay tribute to our years together by naming 12 things I love about my husband. This is just a random list of why I do, this is not necessarily enumerated base on gravity of each one.

1. He lets me choose what movie to watch.

2. He drives me to and from work whenever he can.

3. He eats my cooking without complain even if I know its a disaster.

4. He leaves me alone every time my favorite TV shows are on.

5. He makes me laugh.

6. He tolerates my outbursts of anger or mood swings. (I don't know how long he will hold on though)

7. He always lets me choose where to eat on date night.

8. He compliments me from even the smallest and biggest things I do.

9. He loves my family and my family loves him.

10. He works hard to provide a better future for both of us.

11. He believes in me so much.

12.He loves me no matter what.

I could add more to this list but that would be for the next 50 more years to come.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABE!!!

Mine (My) Love Story

I got tired of waiting…
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say... yes

I always save the best for last and so these two are the songs I choose for my babe.

All my friends, at least all that are close to me, knows my love story. I love telling them to people because its trully is a love story. Fate, destiny or whatever you want to call it but for me this is my love story.

We met when I transfer work to where he works. It just so happen that he was the one who needs to turn over my work to me. But even before I even started working with them, my boss already had her little plans going to get us together. From day one, her plans started with simple things. She assigned him to introduce me to all employees especially to those on the work site. She ask him to drive me around the construction site if I needed to visit. She even told him to take me home after our site visits even if its not yet late. She always finds a way to get us together. And even during meetings, she always finds a way to have us working together. For the first six months at my new job, I find myself being thrown into situations where I could not say no or even avoid being with him. For one thing, we only work in one company that has a very limited space to be avoiding someone. But I think we worked it well, trying not to disappoint my boss, who happens to be one of the owner of the company and she is a very sweet old lady. And I have to admit, I admire his patience with following orders without complain. Eventually, it became our routine. He would drive me wherever I wanted to go. He would help me out when I needed help with employees. It became so routine for us that even on non-work related duties, he was there for me. He would volunteer to come and drive me even on family outings and friends' get together, he would be there that he became a part of me without me knowing it. I guess the friendship that we developed over being literarily thrown together blossomed into a romantic one.

I read somewhere, if you really want to know if you are with the right person... ask them what you wore on your first meeting. I found myself wondering if I remember what he wore that first day we met. He wore his tight fitting purple shirt and dark blue also tight fitting maong pants. I couldn't even remember what I was wearing that time but when I asked him years and years after we got married... he does remember what I wore up to the last details... my shoes. Talk about first impressions!

Suffice to say, our first meeting was just ordinary day for both of us but left a very nice impression. I don't know why but we did not complain being thrown together. I guess, its because we also did enjoy each other's company. He loves music which I totally admire having grown up with music in my family. He's well educated and comes from a conservative very Catholic family which I think my parents really appreciated. Although thats just about the things we have in common... we compliment each other. In a way, we are opposites that attract. Can't tell exactly how it started but we became an item on its own. We developed our relationship without knowing when the friendship ends and when the love begins. I guess our friendship has not ended. It continued on until now, it just evolved into a romantic one. It may sound cheesy to you but that is how we came to be.

You said, I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine…

Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine…

Do you believe it?
We’re gonna make it now
And I can see it yeah yeah
I can see it now…

Tim McGraw

This song makes me feel that its about a relationship that is short lived. The kind of a relationship that you know its not going to work but still you went ahead with it. Its not that you got into big fights or third party involved that you have to part ways. I feel like its the relationship that is never meant to be but you just have to have it. With that introduction, I could think of a few relationships I had that fall into that category. And the most that stands out is the one I could say I regreted the most.

You could say that he was not my type at all but very special none the less. Very different indeed because I had a lot of growing up done during this time. I think this is when I really had a hard time accepting the commitment I have to make and sacrifices I have do to make this relationship work. For me its a reality check that somehow made me grasp the intensity of a committed relationship. In short, this is the one relationship that started me to take serious look at where I am heading. Starts to shape me for who I am today.

We were introduced by a mutual friend. I didn't notice him at first because I had an eye on somebody else at that time. But then again, most relationships starts like that isn't it? So you can say we became friends. Talked on the phone for hours. Managed to exchange love notes on top of both our busy schedules. And I loved him for that. He is not afraid to express his feelings. You would think that romance and courtship is dead but he kept them alive. He was very sweet, always had a smile for me. You know when you have that close friend to whom you can talk about anything. No restrictions. No inhibitions. He is that one for me. I have never felt like that with anyone.

But I guess, everything nice always have the bad side. I always thought that a smooth sailing relationship is always headed for a wreckage. I don't want to be the one to pick up the pieces so I run as fast away as possible. Too expensive to bet on my emotions and feelings, I thought it saved me the trouble. But it only brought me guilt and endless regret. A lot of what ifs hang in the balance and made me carry excess baggage until now.

Eons past... we finally got in contact again. I quickly found out that he is still my "close" friend that I can easily talk to about anything. The only difference now is that we are both committed to someone else. Don't get me wrong but we are both happy, at least on my part. It doesn't change the fact that we are still friends. The topic of our conversations now revolves around our own family. Memories we made. The life we both choose to make. And the path that we both took. Atleast now, I can say I have no regrets.

You Belong With Me

You Belong With Me is a song about loving a boy from afar. A story about getting ignored by the one you love. For me, its simply disregarding my feelings about my commitment to our relationship. Perhaps I was mistaken. Perhaps I did not give him a chance. Maybe we just did misunderstood each other. But its all gone now. Everything is part of the past now. Let us start from the beginning to make things clear.

We met in a perfect time. We both had a stable job. We both were at that age. And we both were single. It was really a perfect timing for us. I could say that we were a perfect match then. I really thought that I would someday marry this guy. Not necessarily that time but eventually. Given a couple of years together and we would end up getting married anyway. Because it was the time when I thought I did met "the guy".

Been here all along so why can't you see?

You belong with me...

I have to admit, we had a great time though. We had a lot of fun. We shared precious memories. Got to know each other's family by attending happy family gatherings, even the sad ones. Talked about our plans in the future which I thought I was a part of. And of course reminiscence of the old times.

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night

I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry

I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams

Think I know where you belong...

Think I know its with me.

But I think, like most of my other relationships, this ended without any reason whatsoever. All of a sudden, there were no communications. I was waiting for him to make the first move. He probably was waiting for me to make the first move. Before you know it... days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months. And so it goes.

Standing by or waiting at your back door

All this time how could you not know baby

You belong with me...

You belong with me.

You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe

You belong with me...

You belong with me!

I never got a chance to ask him whatever happen to us. I never got a chance to ask him if he ever thought I could be the one for him. I never got the chance to know. Perhaps I will never know.

Our Song

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone
In the front seat of his car
He’s got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart

There goes the first stanza of the song. I could only picture one person that describe these first few lines of the song. But then, the next chorus line goes...

Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin’ out late, tapping on your window
When we’re on the phone and you talk real slow
‘Cause it’s late and your mama don’t know

Our song is the way you laugh
The first date man, I didn’t kiss her and I should have
And when I got home, ‘fore I said amen
Asking God if He could play it again

The whole scenario changed for me here and only remember one person who is a perfect fit for those lines. A perfect person who has been a part of my life and part of my most unforgettable experiences. We went through a lot of trials in our relationship and literally weathered storms but it was not enough to keep us together. I guess what we had was what you can call... growing apart.
We met during the time when I was not actually looking for a relationship. Just having those moments where I am not ready for a commitment. Just looking for some fun and some "me" time. Like I always believed now, it is not a good idea to gamble when it comes to your heart. A game you can not assure it would go your way. I ended up giving him my all. I gave him my heart in a silver platter... ended up wanting more from him but it was too early for that. I have to admit, I had no idea where it will lead me into but at the back of my mind, I thought it was going somewhere it was suppose to be going. But it was too fast! For me. And I guess for him as well.
He was the first boy I introduced to my family, which means a lot to me. He was the first one who introduced me to his family. And there are many more firsts that comes after that. Like the storm, there are a lot going on with our relationship that I felt like we were together for a very long time. Like we were old couples. He made me feel that we will be together forever and that nothing will keep us apart. I felt very happy and content. That nothing in this world will ruin our bond. But somewhere along that joy, my patience was tested and been questioned about my will to keep this relationship together. I lost that battle.
It was like a roller coaster ride kind of a relationship. We had lots of unforgettable memories. Lots of fun and treasured moments. But they are all part of the past now. This song reminds me of those times. A happy past that I will always treasure. I hope someday we would meet again and that we would be able to talk about those times with fondness. It was that time when we both grew up to be matured people and knew when to let go.

Teardrops On My Guitar

Its actually funny when I think of my "Drew". We became friends at a very unusual circumstances. He is smart and funny. And what I love about him is that he did not give me any negative vibes. He did not push me away eventhough I know that he knows I am slowly falling in love with him. I guess he really wants to be just friends. He never took advantage of that feeling, atleast thats what I felt.

I remember, I would probably be considered a stalker during that time. Being able to know his plans. Where he will be at a particular time. Just seeing his car parked in the same spot in the parking lot makes my day. Watching him walk along the sidewalk makes my heart skip. So you could just imagine what it would do to me when we talk on the phone. We gave each other nicknames. And fondly call each other those nicknames as code. I felt like its our "thing". Our secret. One day, I invited him to watch a game.

I want that day to be special. Thinking that it would be our first and last date so on that day, I cut my hair really short. I thought it would be a new me. Hoping that he would like it. When he picked me up, I was over the moon. I thought he looked dashing in his white shirt and khaki pants. I could smell his cologne and when he smile... dimples and all! He was a total gentleman. Opening the door for me and holding my hand climbing the stairs. I did not care at all who won the game because I felt like I was the one who won having him sitting beside me. He kept brusing his hand over mine. From the game all the way to his car in the parking lot, he was holding my hands. My heart is racing, don't want to expect anything but at the back of my mind I have a candle of hope lit up. Hoping that this is the start of something good. He will only let go of my hand when he starts the car. Even while driving me home, he holds my hand. A very nice soft hands. And before I got off the car... he pulled me softly and kissed me. A long and soft kiss.

Years have passed since that first and last date... first and last kiss and so I thought. When out of the blue he invited me to a party. What I thought was the end of it all, boy was I wrong! I knew he has a girlfriend. I knew nothing will come out of this "relationship" but I still want it. I love the mystery of it all. I love the secret nicknames. I love the coyness. And so we see each other again. The strong attraction is still there, at least on my side. Before the evening ended, all my confusion comes back again. The mystery... I knew he will never be mine but I guess thats the fun part of it.

I realize that I will never forget him. That attraction he has on me is the mystery. The coyness of it all. The no commitment, no explanation and no complications. No attachments and no drama was all that attracted me to him.

Its been many years now since I saw him last. I wondered if we will meet again?

White Horse

Who could ever forget their first love? Like most of you, I also thought that my first love is my knight in shinning armor who will sweep me off my feet and carried me into his castle and live happily ever after.... wrong! He is that one person who thought that I am too young to fall in love. He said he wanted to take care and nurture me. Wait until I am mature enough to be really sure that I am ready for a relationship. Unfortunately, he couldn't wait and fell in love with someone else. Still, I followed him like a puppy dog. Too in love to realize that he is just not going to see me as young lady but a young friend who has a crush.

Eventually, I too gave up on him and met someone. My relationship was moving smoothly and slowly until he kissed me. I don't know why but I started crying. Not sure why but I told my knight what happen and it made him so mad. Hit a table with his fist. Confused, I asked him why? He thought that it was suppose to be him. He thought it would be him who will give me my first kiss. So sorry but its too late now.

After so many years, we finally met up again. Thought he still looked the same. His megawatts smile and dimples still make me weak in the knees. Do not remember the circumstances why we met up but the mood suddenly changed for me. I felt like that young girl again in love with a more mature guy. Nervous and tense we talked about the old days. Perhaps he thought that would get the tension subside. Finally, he asked me how I was. I said I was fine. Busy with school. Its just rude not to ask him how he is, so I did. His eyes suddenly looked sad. He finally said that he thinks of me a lot. In fact, he thinks of me a lot that when in a very intimate situation with a girl, he uttered my name that shocked even him. He said he wanted me. Me who he considered too young for him. Words I wanted to hear.

But I am so sorry. I am not anymore that young girl in love with her knight in shining armor. I don't believe in being sweep off my feet and carried into his castle anymore. Its too late for you and your white horse.

Speak Now!

Yes this is entitled the same as the Taylor Swift new album. I think its really appropriate to call it as such since her songs inspire me to write this blog. She said that her album is basically about speaking out! Its like in almost all weddings where the priest asks, if anyone who objects that this couple should be married... speak now or forever holds his peace!
I dont really know Taylor Swift or her life but she sounded like more adult than I imagine a 20 year olds are. Her songs are full of emotions and feelings that stir up really deep emotions from me. All the inhibitions and confusions I experienced during my younger years came up in the surface. Now I don't know what to do with them except express them and hopefully make sense specially to me.
As I listen to each songs, I realized I compare them to each relationships I had and never had. It creeps me out slightly that her words are not exactly different when I was in her situation at that time. Sometimes songs made me cry with the words she express. Don't get me wrong... not all of her songs are about breakups and heartaches. There are a few that is just happy ending and getting ready for a change.
Please bear with me as I will explain each song in my next few blogs. I have to admit, this will be my most daring blog ever... since I will be revealing relationships and feelings that I don't usually talk about to other people. And that even all my close friends don't know everything. People involved might be nervious about this but let me assure them that I will not name names. Even if I use names... it will be alias. I don't want to be sued.
Let me also clear out that not all the songs I will be blogging about is on her new album Speak Now! Most of them are from her 2 other old albums...

What's in a name

Different people call me by many different names and I grew up having many different alias. I guess in different stages of my growing up years, I re-invent myself and thus change my name. But there are also alias that stick with me through the years. Let us review all of them so people understands how I have come to be with many names.

I was born Diosa. It means a goddess or a female god, in case you don't know. A very unusual name for a person. Girls usually gets to be Aprodite, Venus, Athena or Hera but not diosa. Many times I asked my mom why she named me as such. Sometimes she murmurs an answer, sometimes she would just brush me of. No concrete answer. And don't let me start with my dad. He does not know squat! But I think it was my uncle, my mom's eldest brother who gave me that name. And since he is not in this world anymore, I will never know why he gave me that name.

As a Filipino tradition, my name became baby, nene or ineng since I am the youngest child. But my uncle, another of my mom's brothers have his own tradition of inventing nicknames to whomever he happens to like at that time. Don't ask me where he got those names and reasons why he does that but it is always the family's way in introducing the new kid to him. In a sense, it felt important once you got baptized by his crazy nicknames. A name totally opposite or even ridiculous than your original name. Mine happen to be "Osang".

My family got used to calling me "baby" until I started high school. I got tired being called "baby" since I am not a baby anymore, well atleast I don't consider myself that. Out of the blue, the name Joy come up. I don't know where that came from but that's another name I added to my ever growing list of nicknames. But in school... its a different story. You know how it is during teenage years. There in the middle of feeling of rebelliousness and independence, I think I developed a different personality and thus re-invent myself again and came up with the name Jho. During those years, it was very popular adding "h" to your name like, Dhel, Rhey, Lhiza or Mhel. Though a different spelling I naturally got Jho, short for Diosa. Later on, the family picked up on that nickname and so that started the name JHO.

In college, during another metamorphosis, I learned to love my "real" name. It started when boys started noticing me and vice versa. They first noticed my unusual name that led to many quotes, poems and tales. They use this to profess their admiration and honorable intentions which got my attention.

Now my family calls me Jho which I think is better than calling me Baby, which I must say pops up occasionally from cousins. Joy, I think faded away as unnoticed as it came. But my all time favorite is Osang Makutate. As unique and as Tagalog as my real name. There is only one person who still and will be the only person who calls me that. I never asked him why that name. I never asked him where he got it from. Osang sounds to me like "bakya" name but a sexy one too or is it because a sexy actress was named as such. Come to think of it, during that time that actress was still unknown. So how I wonder why he called me that! I will never know... I wish I had asked him.

- A tribute to Amang... I miss you!