Our Song

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone
In the front seat of his car
He’s got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart

There goes the first stanza of the song. I could only picture one person that describe these first few lines of the song. But then, the next chorus line goes...

Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin’ out late, tapping on your window
When we’re on the phone and you talk real slow
‘Cause it’s late and your mama don’t know

Our song is the way you laugh
The first date man, I didn’t kiss her and I should have
And when I got home, ‘fore I said amen
Asking God if He could play it again

The whole scenario changed for me here and only remember one person who is a perfect fit for those lines. A perfect person who has been a part of my life and part of my most unforgettable experiences. We went through a lot of trials in our relationship and literally weathered storms but it was not enough to keep us together. I guess what we had was what you can call... growing apart.
We met during the time when I was not actually looking for a relationship. Just having those moments where I am not ready for a commitment. Just looking for some fun and some "me" time. Like I always believed now, it is not a good idea to gamble when it comes to your heart. A game you can not assure it would go your way. I ended up giving him my all. I gave him my heart in a silver platter... ended up wanting more from him but it was too early for that. I have to admit, I had no idea where it will lead me into but at the back of my mind, I thought it was going somewhere it was suppose to be going. But it was too fast! For me. And I guess for him as well.
He was the first boy I introduced to my family, which means a lot to me. He was the first one who introduced me to his family. And there are many more firsts that comes after that. Like the storm, there are a lot going on with our relationship that I felt like we were together for a very long time. Like we were old couples. He made me feel that we will be together forever and that nothing will keep us apart. I felt very happy and content. That nothing in this world will ruin our bond. But somewhere along that joy, my patience was tested and been questioned about my will to keep this relationship together. I lost that battle.
It was like a roller coaster ride kind of a relationship. We had lots of unforgettable memories. Lots of fun and treasured moments. But they are all part of the past now. This song reminds me of those times. A happy past that I will always treasure. I hope someday we would meet again and that we would be able to talk about those times with fondness. It was that time when we both grew up to be matured people and knew when to let go.

Teardrops On My Guitar

Its actually funny when I think of my "Drew". We became friends at a very unusual circumstances. He is smart and funny. And what I love about him is that he did not give me any negative vibes. He did not push me away eventhough I know that he knows I am slowly falling in love with him. I guess he really wants to be just friends. He never took advantage of that feeling, atleast thats what I felt.

I remember, I would probably be considered a stalker during that time. Being able to know his plans. Where he will be at a particular time. Just seeing his car parked in the same spot in the parking lot makes my day. Watching him walk along the sidewalk makes my heart skip. So you could just imagine what it would do to me when we talk on the phone. We gave each other nicknames. And fondly call each other those nicknames as code. I felt like its our "thing". Our secret. One day, I invited him to watch a game.

I want that day to be special. Thinking that it would be our first and last date so on that day, I cut my hair really short. I thought it would be a new me. Hoping that he would like it. When he picked me up, I was over the moon. I thought he looked dashing in his white shirt and khaki pants. I could smell his cologne and when he smile... dimples and all! He was a total gentleman. Opening the door for me and holding my hand climbing the stairs. I did not care at all who won the game because I felt like I was the one who won having him sitting beside me. He kept brusing his hand over mine. From the game all the way to his car in the parking lot, he was holding my hands. My heart is racing, don't want to expect anything but at the back of my mind I have a candle of hope lit up. Hoping that this is the start of something good. He will only let go of my hand when he starts the car. Even while driving me home, he holds my hand. A very nice soft hands. And before I got off the car... he pulled me softly and kissed me. A long and soft kiss.

Years have passed since that first and last date... first and last kiss and so I thought. When out of the blue he invited me to a party. What I thought was the end of it all, boy was I wrong! I knew he has a girlfriend. I knew nothing will come out of this "relationship" but I still want it. I love the mystery of it all. I love the secret nicknames. I love the coyness. And so we see each other again. The strong attraction is still there, at least on my side. Before the evening ended, all my confusion comes back again. The mystery... I knew he will never be mine but I guess thats the fun part of it.

I realize that I will never forget him. That attraction he has on me is the mystery. The coyness of it all. The no commitment, no explanation and no complications. No attachments and no drama was all that attracted me to him.

Its been many years now since I saw him last. I wondered if we will meet again?

White Horse

Who could ever forget their first love? Like most of you, I also thought that my first love is my knight in shinning armor who will sweep me off my feet and carried me into his castle and live happily ever after.... wrong! He is that one person who thought that I am too young to fall in love. He said he wanted to take care and nurture me. Wait until I am mature enough to be really sure that I am ready for a relationship. Unfortunately, he couldn't wait and fell in love with someone else. Still, I followed him like a puppy dog. Too in love to realize that he is just not going to see me as young lady but a young friend who has a crush.

Eventually, I too gave up on him and met someone. My relationship was moving smoothly and slowly until he kissed me. I don't know why but I started crying. Not sure why but I told my knight what happen and it made him so mad. Hit a table with his fist. Confused, I asked him why? He thought that it was suppose to be him. He thought it would be him who will give me my first kiss. So sorry but its too late now.

After so many years, we finally met up again. Thought he still looked the same. His megawatts smile and dimples still make me weak in the knees. Do not remember the circumstances why we met up but the mood suddenly changed for me. I felt like that young girl again in love with a more mature guy. Nervous and tense we talked about the old days. Perhaps he thought that would get the tension subside. Finally, he asked me how I was. I said I was fine. Busy with school. Its just rude not to ask him how he is, so I did. His eyes suddenly looked sad. He finally said that he thinks of me a lot. In fact, he thinks of me a lot that when in a very intimate situation with a girl, he uttered my name that shocked even him. He said he wanted me. Me who he considered too young for him. Words I wanted to hear.

But I am so sorry. I am not anymore that young girl in love with her knight in shining armor. I don't believe in being sweep off my feet and carried into his castle anymore. Its too late for you and your white horse.

Speak Now!

Yes this is entitled the same as the Taylor Swift new album. I think its really appropriate to call it as such since her songs inspire me to write this blog. She said that her album is basically about speaking out! Its like in almost all weddings where the priest asks, if anyone who objects that this couple should be married... speak now or forever holds his peace!
I dont really know Taylor Swift or her life but she sounded like more adult than I imagine a 20 year olds are. Her songs are full of emotions and feelings that stir up really deep emotions from me. All the inhibitions and confusions I experienced during my younger years came up in the surface. Now I don't know what to do with them except express them and hopefully make sense specially to me.
As I listen to each songs, I realized I compare them to each relationships I had and never had. It creeps me out slightly that her words are not exactly different when I was in her situation at that time. Sometimes songs made me cry with the words she express. Don't get me wrong... not all of her songs are about breakups and heartaches. There are a few that is just happy ending and getting ready for a change.
Please bear with me as I will explain each song in my next few blogs. I have to admit, this will be my most daring blog ever... since I will be revealing relationships and feelings that I don't usually talk about to other people. And that even all my close friends don't know everything. People involved might be nervious about this but let me assure them that I will not name names. Even if I use names... it will be alias. I don't want to be sued.
Let me also clear out that not all the songs I will be blogging about is on her new album Speak Now! Most of them are from her 2 other old albums...

What's in a name

Different people call me by many different names and I grew up having many different alias. I guess in different stages of my growing up years, I re-invent myself and thus change my name. But there are also alias that stick with me through the years. Let us review all of them so people understands how I have come to be with many names.

I was born Diosa. It means a goddess or a female god, in case you don't know. A very unusual name for a person. Girls usually gets to be Aprodite, Venus, Athena or Hera but not diosa. Many times I asked my mom why she named me as such. Sometimes she murmurs an answer, sometimes she would just brush me of. No concrete answer. And don't let me start with my dad. He does not know squat! But I think it was my uncle, my mom's eldest brother who gave me that name. And since he is not in this world anymore, I will never know why he gave me that name.

As a Filipino tradition, my name became baby, nene or ineng since I am the youngest child. But my uncle, another of my mom's brothers have his own tradition of inventing nicknames to whomever he happens to like at that time. Don't ask me where he got those names and reasons why he does that but it is always the family's way in introducing the new kid to him. In a sense, it felt important once you got baptized by his crazy nicknames. A name totally opposite or even ridiculous than your original name. Mine happen to be "Osang".

My family got used to calling me "baby" until I started high school. I got tired being called "baby" since I am not a baby anymore, well atleast I don't consider myself that. Out of the blue, the name Joy come up. I don't know where that came from but that's another name I added to my ever growing list of nicknames. But in school... its a different story. You know how it is during teenage years. There in the middle of feeling of rebelliousness and independence, I think I developed a different personality and thus re-invent myself again and came up with the name Jho. During those years, it was very popular adding "h" to your name like, Dhel, Rhey, Lhiza or Mhel. Though a different spelling I naturally got Jho, short for Diosa. Later on, the family picked up on that nickname and so that started the name JHO.

In college, during another metamorphosis, I learned to love my "real" name. It started when boys started noticing me and vice versa. They first noticed my unusual name that led to many quotes, poems and tales. They use this to profess their admiration and honorable intentions which got my attention.

Now my family calls me Jho which I think is better than calling me Baby, which I must say pops up occasionally from cousins. Joy, I think faded away as unnoticed as it came. But my all time favorite is Osang Makutate. As unique and as Tagalog as my real name. There is only one person who still and will be the only person who calls me that. I never asked him why that name. I never asked him where he got it from. Osang sounds to me like "bakya" name but a sexy one too or is it because a sexy actress was named as such. Come to think of it, during that time that actress was still unknown. So how I wonder why he called me that! I will never know... I wish I had asked him.

- A tribute to Amang... I miss you!

Once Upon a Time

As we reached the end of a long and narrow street, I started a fit! My eyes squinted, mouth pouted with arms crossed. He would not stop at anything right now for me to have time to pick something I want. We are standing at the busy sidewalk under the morning sun. He looked at his watch and decided we are late anyway. He threw his hand in the air in sweet surrender as I smiled to him and reminded myself to give him a long nice hug later. Happily, I followed him stopping every so often to picked up something that caught my eyes. Yellow mainly, some red and others are pink. Some are big but a lot are small. As we reached our destination, he picked me up in his strong arms. I gave him the biggest hug my short arms can give. Buried my little fingers in his thick curly black hair. I kissed him on the cheeks before putting me down on the ground. I pushed the small swinging door on the side of the long counter. The door was almost as high as my shoulders. I looked around wondering what kind I will get today. As I scan up the long counter where glass jars are line up filled with colorful goodies inside them.

I noticed she is standing by the entrance smilling. Her hair pulled back in a bun at the top of her head. I reached for her hand and touched it on my forehead. She murmers a blessing as she placed them on top of my head. I looked back hoping he is still there. A slight sadness on my face, I see his face inside the crowded jeepney and waved. She then scoop me up and sat me at a very old but sturdy table. It has a lot of scratches on top and sides of the table. It felt really rough under where I was sitting. I ran my fingers on my side feeling the chipped top of the table. My feet tangling. There are only 2 small drawers. One contains old rusty tools, screws and matches. The other has old coins, loose change and old bills. As I was sitted, my little fingers could feel the dust under me but I don't mind at all. I showed her what I collected for her that day. They would looked ordinary to anyone but they are treasures for me. She smiled. She reached for an empty softdrink bottle by the sink and lets me stick my flowers in them. Placed the bottle with my picked flowers for the day behind me on the table. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and lets me jump off holding both my small hand. She grabs one glass jar by the counter and lets me dig inside it and picked the first of my many treats of the day. Caramel stick, my favorite! She started softly chattering... batang eloy... batang eloy... batang eloy. I ran towards the back door of the store. Happy for my treat. As I climbed up the stairs, I could already hear them and thought we are trully late. But I don't mind. I got my flowers and I got my treat. What more could I ask for? Now its play time with my cousins!

A bit of memory I remember during my childhood. I think I was about 3 or 4 at that time. My dad would drop me off at my grandparents' house. Since babysitters during those days were the grandparents, my cousins and I were often dropped off there. The old house will be crowded with all of us there playing. I guess that is why I am very close to my cousins. We literally grew up together. I miss my grandma...

Carolina : The Movie Review

I got up early today because my husband is working early. Naturally, I had to get up when he is in the shower to prepare his breakfast and pack his lunch. This is usually our routine when I am on vacation and he had to work early. By the time he is finished dressing up, my breakfast for him is served. Complete with toasted bread or oatmeal, it depends on his mood and of course his coffee. He used to not like coffee and just lets me drink them He said I drink a lot of them for the both of us. But now, he is used to having them in the morning.As soon as he steps out of our apartment, I had this urgent thought of going back to bed and savour the empty bed for myself but instead, I sat up in bed, switch on the laptop and tv in one swift motion and waited. The computer took longer than the tv to come on so I browse the channels looking for shows that I thought is interesting. Bummer, no good movie is on at this early. Most are news or early morning talk shows. I flipped through the remote control like a maniac until I come to a movie channel. I can't really remember what channel it was but the actress caught my attention. Julia Stiles. I love her. She has this look about her face that I have always love. The girl-next-door attitude and style. I first saw her in 10 Things I hate About You where she played the lead role. I was enchanted with her there but not so much as I saw Mona Lisa Smile. She was brilliant in Mona Lisa plus the fact that Julia Roberts was one of the character. I thought she handled herself very well inspite of the all-star cast of the movie.

So we come now to the movie. Carolina. She played the main character. A young woman trying to find herself and her love inspite of all the drama going on around her and her family. It was just a simple movie perhaps even a low budgeted one but I thought it was a great one. It tells mostly about Carolina (who is Julia Stiles, obviously) and her relationship with her family particularly her grandmother and of course the boy next door. It shows how family supports each other inspite of all the differences and issues. How simple life can be and that we complicates things with our never ending need to search for fulfillment. And that one person we are looking for, the right guy, the perfect guy... is just literally the boy next door! What I love the most about this movie is when that guy finally decided to tell Carolina that she is the one... he handed her a manuscript. She thought it was one of his books (a romance books) written under an assumed name. But as he pointed out to her his real name under the title "Everyday Magic", a smile crept up her lips. And as she turn the page, it says For Carolina. She looked confused... stunned... and almost smile a bit. That was it for me. I was really hooked by Julia's charm. I just love her! Its a must movie for those who love real romance, not the cheap ones. It is a must see for those who likes simple, light hearted but completely deep family movie. Because this is about family, a need to find oneself and the ultimate search for your one true love. Enjoy!

My suggestion to all you folks out there, try to watch one of her movies. I have a list for you that you might want to check out.

1. Mona Lisa Smile

2. The Bourne Ultimatum (She is in all 3 of them but I like her character more on the last one)

3. A Little Trip To Heaven

4. 10 Things I Hate About You

5. Save The Last Dance

6. Down To You

7. A Guy Thing

8. The Prince And Me

And of course

9. Carolina

And I read somewhere that she is also appearing as a guest in Dexter, the cable series. I wonder how she'll look in a dark murder series like this one.