Matt Albert

I wrote this blog two years ago.  I never got the guts to publish it because I know that it was still too early to do so.  Another year have passed and I could not hold on to this feelings anymore.  Now I found my courage, made a little editing and thought its time to publish it.  I would like to apologize to my family esp. to my kuya for not asking their permission... I am so sorry, I know this is still a sensitive and hard topic for everyone but I think I need to do this to express my feelings.

It's been three years now since Albert died. I thought it's safe to finally talk about his death. But I was so wrong. Talking about Bebet, as we fondly call him, is still a very sensitive topic. Every time I mention his name to anyone, there's a certain painful tone on their voices especially my mom. It's been very difficult for her still to accept the loss. I guess it still is difficult for everyone but it is specially hard for her since she helped raised him and saw him grew up to be a fine young man. But for me, he is still the young three year old that I left behind 10 years ago. Wide eyed playful boy who just loves coming to his parents' office which is a walking distance from the house, to play with the staff which includes Loi and I. I still clearly remember his sad face every afternoon when its time to go home wondering when will be the next playdate. The funny look in this face when he swirl around the swivel chair. The naughty smile whenever we play "pitik bulag". I guess I will always have that image of him in my head. The sound of his voice ringing in my ears like he is there beside me, asking for a pair of shoes or a video game for Christmas. The feel of his body against mine when I squeeze him in a hug. The smell of him whenever I kiss him. Everyone of us have our own way of dealing with the loss. Some quietly thinks of him before going to bed. Some dreams of him in their sleep. Some expresses innocently their longiness to play with him again. Some just lingers of the thought of him. I, on the other hand have not fully grasp the loss of him since I have been away for so long. I regret that now. I could have been there many summers ago when my dad taught him and his siblings how to play tennis. I could have been there cheering him on when he started playing basketball. I could have been there to congratulate him in school for a work well done. Or could have been there when he had his first communion. I missed a lot when he was growing up but God has a better plan for him. And I know that he has his wings now and watches over us specially my mom. I just wished we had spent more time with him. More time playing with him. More time making precious memories together. All I have now are pictures of him smilling, that charming smile with his siblings and baby Enchong. A picture of him in his best blue long sleeve shirt and khaki pants with his proud papa receiving an achievement in school. Pictures of him having a grand time in the swimming pool with the whole family. And my most favorite of all, pictures of him with Enchong playing at the garden with the water hose. How time flies. Like Peter Pan, for me, he will never grow up. He will forever be that wide eyed baby boy who likes to play "pitik bulag" or "patintero" with Loi, Tey and Miko. The playful little boy I left behind ten years ago. I guess we have our own way of surviving after a loss of a loved one. I myself is not sure how I would have dealt with seeing someone I love surrender to their illness. Like a candle slowly melting away. God was good to me because He did not let me witness that because He knows I couldn't deal with it at all. I would have fought hard to keep him and that would have rift the family apart. And He is really good to me because He saved me the heartache of that sudden loss.  Now, its time to move on. Time to be grateful for our days spend with family. Time to be thankful to God that we have been blessed with the kind of family we have. Thankful that we are alive and be an inspiration to others. And thankful God allowed us to share His angel, Matt Albert with us and spend those wonderful years however short it was with him.

A Dream

I was in a room... with lots of people that I somehow know. Though I don't recognize their faces, I know that they are family and friends. There is big celebration... a wedding! A man I knew from my past stands before me and my mother, who hands me over to the man. It was an arranged marriage and everybody around us rejoices. I felt like it was pre-arranged and that it would help somehow in our situation. I soon realized that I was wearing a white wedding gown... too big to fit me and that the room we were in was a church. The man was wearing a brown t-shirt and cacky shorts. He later put on a white shirt for the wedding. While everybody was rejoicing and celebrating, I felt like its my obligation to do this. The man though felt confused but went along with it. There was no ceremony or anything like that but we were dancing in the middle of the church were people around us where happy singing and laughing. I felt like I HAVE TO marry this guy thus need to fulfill my obligation to him. We went into a private room at the back of the church. We don't know what to do. So we talked. We told each other about our feelings. Since I know this guy from childhood, we agreed to make this work for the sake of our families and friends. We went out of the room and greeted them with smiles.
I heard somebody yelled my name... JHO!

I woke up feeling a heavyness in my heart. I feel so sad. I snuggled up to my husband who is sleeping soundly next to me and I started crying.

I don't know what this means. Please help.

What's in a Name?

Different people call me by many different names and I grew up having many different alias. I guess in different stages of my growing up years, I re-invent myself and thus change my name. But there are also alias that stick with me through the years. Let us review all of them so people understands how I have come to be with many names.

I was born Diosa. It means a goddess or a female god, in case you don't know. A very unusual name for a person. Girls usually gets to be Aprodite, Venus, Athena or Hera but not diosa. Many times I asked my mom why she named me as such. Sometimes she murmurs an answer, sometimes she would just brush me of. No concrete answer. And don't let me start with my dad. He does not know squat! But I think it was my uncle, my mom's eldest brother who gave me that name. And since he is not in this world anymore, I will never know why he gave me that name.

As a Filipino tradition, my name became baby, nene or ineng since I am the youngest child. But my uncle, another of my mom's brothers have his own tradition of inventing nicknames to whomever he happens to like at that time. Don't ask me where he got those names and reasons why he does that but it is always the family's way in introducing the new kid to him. In a sense, it felt important once you got baptized by his crazy nicknames. A name totally opposite or even ridiculous than your original name. Mine happen to be "Osang Makutate".

My family got used to calling me "baby" until I started high school. I got tired being called "baby" since I am not a baby anymore, well atleast I don't consider myself that. Out of the blue, the name Joy come up. I don't know where that came from but that's another name I added to my ever growing list of nicknames. But in school... its a different story. You know how it is during teenage years. There in the middle of feeling of rebelliousness and independence, I think I developed a different personality and thus re-invent myself again and came up with the name Jho. During those years, it was very popular adding "h" to your name like, Dhel, Rhey, Lhiza or Mhel. Though a different spelling I naturally got Jho, short for Diosa. Later on, the family picked up on that nickname and so that started the name JHO.

In college, during another metamorphosis, I learned to love my "real" name. It started when boys started noticing me and vice versa. They first noticed my unusual name that led to many quotes, poems and tales. They use this to profess their admiration and honorable intentions which got my attention.

Now my family calls me Jho which I think is better than calling me Baby, which I must say pops up occasionally from cousins. Joy, I think faded away as unnoticed as it came. But my all time favorite is Osang Makutate. As unique and as Tagalog as my real name. There is only one person who still and will be the only person who calls me that. I never asked him why that name. I never asked him where he got it from. Osang sounds to me like "bakya" name but a sexy one too or is it because a sexy actress was named as such. So now I can only wonder why!

- A tribute to Amang... I miss you!

Buses and Trains

Have you ever felt like you are in a middle of a crowded room and you wanted to disappear? Or when you have a lot on your mind, decisions you have to make, weighing on your options and you just want to erease everything like a blackboard and start all over again? Or when you just want to clear your head of all the bad thoughts you were thinking? Because I do. Well, I found my way to escape all that without losing my head. I call it my "moving conscience". Whenever I feel like the world is crumbling down on me or that I need to just clear my head, I take the bus or train to wherever I wanted to go. No, I don't take them without any destination, that would be insane! I just love taking public transportation when I feel depress or lonely. I like the anonimity in a crowded train where other people are minding their own business. I like being in a bus where people come and go. I don't mind waiting in the station, standing still thinking nothing of the time whether its late or not but knowing the fact that the ride will soon come. I like watching the scenes pass by, cars and people moving about at their own pace. Tall trees I see replaced by buildings and houses as I move closer to the city. Even the traffic is a welcome annoyance to me. Because I know that after all these, I will still arrive at my destination. At the last stop, I either feel that my head is completely refreshed, depends on how long my travel is, or that partly I had cleared my head enough of any negative thoughts and ready to look at things in a different perspective. So when you see me on a bus or train, don't hesitate to say hi but be aware that I'm not there for long conversations. Don't feel offended if I ignore you for the rest of the trip.

12 Things I love about my husband

It's our 12th year Anniversary and I thought I pay tribute to our years together by naming 12 things I love about my husband. This is just a random list of why I do, this is not necessarily enumerated base on gravity of each one.

1. He lets me choose what movie to watch.

2. He drives me to and from work whenever he can.

3. He eats my cooking without complain even if I know its a disaster.

4. He leaves me alone every time my favorite TV shows are on.

5. He makes me laugh.

6. He tolerates my outbursts of anger or mood swings. (I don't know how long he will hold on though)

7. He always lets me choose where to eat on date night.

8. He compliments me from even the smallest and biggest things I do.

9. He loves my family and my family loves him.

10. He works hard to provide a better future for both of us.

11. He believes in me so much.

12.He loves me no matter what.

I could add more to this list but that would be for the next 50 more years to come.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABE!!!

Mine (My) Love Story

I got tired of waiting…
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say... yes

I always save the best for last and so these two are the songs I choose for my babe.

All my friends, at least all that are close to me, knows my love story. I love telling them to people because its trully is a love story. Fate, destiny or whatever you want to call it but for me this is my love story.

We met when I transfer work to where he works. It just so happen that he was the one who needs to turn over my work to me. But even before I even started working with them, my boss already had her little plans going to get us together. From day one, her plans started with simple things. She assigned him to introduce me to all employees especially to those on the work site. She ask him to drive me around the construction site if I needed to visit. She even told him to take me home after our site visits even if its not yet late. She always finds a way to get us together. And even during meetings, she always finds a way to have us working together. For the first six months at my new job, I find myself being thrown into situations where I could not say no or even avoid being with him. For one thing, we only work in one company that has a very limited space to be avoiding someone. But I think we worked it well, trying not to disappoint my boss, who happens to be one of the owner of the company and she is a very sweet old lady. And I have to admit, I admire his patience with following orders without complain. Eventually, it became our routine. He would drive me wherever I wanted to go. He would help me out when I needed help with employees. It became so routine for us that even on non-work related duties, he was there for me. He would volunteer to come and drive me even on family outings and friends' get together, he would be there that he became a part of me without me knowing it. I guess the friendship that we developed over being literarily thrown together blossomed into a romantic one.

I read somewhere, if you really want to know if you are with the right person... ask them what you wore on your first meeting. I found myself wondering if I remember what he wore that first day we met. He wore his tight fitting purple shirt and dark blue also tight fitting maong pants. I couldn't even remember what I was wearing that time but when I asked him years and years after we got married... he does remember what I wore up to the last details... my shoes. Talk about first impressions!

Suffice to say, our first meeting was just ordinary day for both of us but left a very nice impression. I don't know why but we did not complain being thrown together. I guess, its because we also did enjoy each other's company. He loves music which I totally admire having grown up with music in my family. He's well educated and comes from a conservative very Catholic family which I think my parents really appreciated. Although thats just about the things we have in common... we compliment each other. In a way, we are opposites that attract. Can't tell exactly how it started but we became an item on its own. We developed our relationship without knowing when the friendship ends and when the love begins. I guess our friendship has not ended. It continued on until now, it just evolved into a romantic one. It may sound cheesy to you but that is how we came to be.

You said, I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine…

Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine…

Do you believe it?
We’re gonna make it now
And I can see it yeah yeah
I can see it now…

Tim McGraw

This song makes me feel that its about a relationship that is short lived. The kind of a relationship that you know its not going to work but still you went ahead with it. Its not that you got into big fights or third party involved that you have to part ways. I feel like its the relationship that is never meant to be but you just have to have it. With that introduction, I could think of a few relationships I had that fall into that category. And the most that stands out is the one I could say I regreted the most.

You could say that he was not my type at all but very special none the less. Very different indeed because I had a lot of growing up done during this time. I think this is when I really had a hard time accepting the commitment I have to make and sacrifices I have do to make this relationship work. For me its a reality check that somehow made me grasp the intensity of a committed relationship. In short, this is the one relationship that started me to take serious look at where I am heading. Starts to shape me for who I am today.

We were introduced by a mutual friend. I didn't notice him at first because I had an eye on somebody else at that time. But then again, most relationships starts like that isn't it? So you can say we became friends. Talked on the phone for hours. Managed to exchange love notes on top of both our busy schedules. And I loved him for that. He is not afraid to express his feelings. You would think that romance and courtship is dead but he kept them alive. He was very sweet, always had a smile for me. You know when you have that close friend to whom you can talk about anything. No restrictions. No inhibitions. He is that one for me. I have never felt like that with anyone.

But I guess, everything nice always have the bad side. I always thought that a smooth sailing relationship is always headed for a wreckage. I don't want to be the one to pick up the pieces so I run as fast away as possible. Too expensive to bet on my emotions and feelings, I thought it saved me the trouble. But it only brought me guilt and endless regret. A lot of what ifs hang in the balance and made me carry excess baggage until now.

Eons past... we finally got in contact again. I quickly found out that he is still my "close" friend that I can easily talk to about anything. The only difference now is that we are both committed to someone else. Don't get me wrong but we are both happy, at least on my part. It doesn't change the fact that we are still friends. The topic of our conversations now revolves around our own family. Memories we made. The life we both choose to make. And the path that we both took. Atleast now, I can say I have no regrets.