A Dream

I was in a room... with lots of people that I somehow know. Though I don't recognize their faces, I know that they are family and friends. There is big celebration... a wedding! A man I knew from my past stands before me and my mother, who hands me over to the man. It was an arranged marriage and everybody around us rejoices. I felt like it was pre-arranged and that it would help somehow in our situation. I soon realized that I was wearing a white wedding gown... too big to fit me and that the room we were in was a church. The man was wearing a brown t-shirt and cacky shorts. He later put on a white shirt for the wedding. While everybody was rejoicing and celebrating, I felt like its my obligation to do this. The man though felt confused but went along with it. There was no ceremony or anything like that but we were dancing in the middle of the church were people around us where happy singing and laughing. I felt like I HAVE TO marry this guy thus need to fulfill my obligation to him. We went into a private room at the back of the church. We don't know what to do. So we talked. We told each other about our feelings. Since I know this guy from childhood, we agreed to make this work for the sake of our families and friends. We went out of the room and greeted them with smiles.
I heard somebody yelled my name... JHO!

I woke up feeling a heavyness in my heart. I feel so sad. I snuggled up to my husband who is sleeping soundly next to me and I started crying.

I don't know what this means. Please help.

What's in a Name?

Different people call me by many different names and I grew up having many different alias. I guess in different stages of my growing up years, I re-invent myself and thus change my name. But there are also alias that stick with me through the years. Let us review all of them so people understands how I have come to be with many names.

I was born Diosa. It means a goddess or a female god, in case you don't know. A very unusual name for a person. Girls usually gets to be Aprodite, Venus, Athena or Hera but not diosa. Many times I asked my mom why she named me as such. Sometimes she murmurs an answer, sometimes she would just brush me of. No concrete answer. And don't let me start with my dad. He does not know squat! But I think it was my uncle, my mom's eldest brother who gave me that name. And since he is not in this world anymore, I will never know why he gave me that name.

As a Filipino tradition, my name became baby, nene or ineng since I am the youngest child. But my uncle, another of my mom's brothers have his own tradition of inventing nicknames to whomever he happens to like at that time. Don't ask me where he got those names and reasons why he does that but it is always the family's way in introducing the new kid to him. In a sense, it felt important once you got baptized by his crazy nicknames. A name totally opposite or even ridiculous than your original name. Mine happen to be "Osang Makutate".

My family got used to calling me "baby" until I started high school. I got tired being called "baby" since I am not a baby anymore, well atleast I don't consider myself that. Out of the blue, the name Joy come up. I don't know where that came from but that's another name I added to my ever growing list of nicknames. But in school... its a different story. You know how it is during teenage years. There in the middle of feeling of rebelliousness and independence, I think I developed a different personality and thus re-invent myself again and came up with the name Jho. During those years, it was very popular adding "h" to your name like, Dhel, Rhey, Lhiza or Mhel. Though a different spelling I naturally got Jho, short for Diosa. Later on, the family picked up on that nickname and so that started the name JHO.

In college, during another metamorphosis, I learned to love my "real" name. It started when boys started noticing me and vice versa. They first noticed my unusual name that led to many quotes, poems and tales. They use this to profess their admiration and honorable intentions which got my attention.

Now my family calls me Jho which I think is better than calling me Baby, which I must say pops up occasionally from cousins. Joy, I think faded away as unnoticed as it came. But my all time favorite is Osang Makutate. As unique and as Tagalog as my real name. There is only one person who still and will be the only person who calls me that. I never asked him why that name. I never asked him where he got it from. Osang sounds to me like "bakya" name but a sexy one too or is it because a sexy actress was named as such. So now I can only wonder why!

- A tribute to Amang... I miss you!

Buses and Trains

Have you ever felt like you are in a middle of a crowded room and you wanted to disappear? Or when you have a lot on your mind, decisions you have to make, weighing on your options and you just want to erease everything like a blackboard and start all over again? Or when you just want to clear your head of all the bad thoughts you were thinking? Because I do. Well, I found my way to escape all that without losing my head. I call it my "moving conscience". Whenever I feel like the world is crumbling down on me or that I need to just clear my head, I take the bus or train to wherever I wanted to go. No, I don't take them without any destination, that would be insane! I just love taking public transportation when I feel depress or lonely. I like the anonimity in a crowded train where other people are minding their own business. I like being in a bus where people come and go. I don't mind waiting in the station, standing still thinking nothing of the time whether its late or not but knowing the fact that the ride will soon come. I like watching the scenes pass by, cars and people moving about at their own pace. Tall trees I see replaced by buildings and houses as I move closer to the city. Even the traffic is a welcome annoyance to me. Because I know that after all these, I will still arrive at my destination. At the last stop, I either feel that my head is completely refreshed, depends on how long my travel is, or that partly I had cleared my head enough of any negative thoughts and ready to look at things in a different perspective. So when you see me on a bus or train, don't hesitate to say hi but be aware that I'm not there for long conversations. Don't feel offended if I ignore you for the rest of the trip.