I wrote this blog two years ago. I never got the guts to publish it because I know that it was still too early to do so. Another year have passed and I could not hold on to this feelings anymore. Now I found my courage, made a little editing and thought its time to publish it. I would like to apologize to my family esp. to my kuya for not asking their permission... I am so sorry, I know this is still a sensitive and hard topic for everyone but I think I need to do this to express my feelings.
It's been three years now since Albert died. I thought it's safe to finally talk about his death. But I was so wrong. Talking about Bebet, as we fondly call him, is still a very sensitive topic. Every time I mention his name to anyone, there's a certain painful tone on their voices especially my mom. It's been very difficult for her still to accept the loss. I guess it still is difficult for everyone but it is specially hard for her since she helped raised him and saw him grew up to be a fine young man. But for me, he is still the young three year old that I left behind 10 years ago. Wide eyed playful boy who just loves coming to his parents' office which is a walking distance from the house, to play with the staff which includes Loi and I. I still clearly remember his sad face every afternoon when its time to go home wondering when will be the next playdate. The funny look in this face when he swirl around the swivel chair. The naughty smile whenever we play "pitik bulag". I guess I will always have that image of him in my head. The sound of his voice ringing in my ears like he is there beside me, asking for a pair of shoes or a video game for Christmas. The feel of his body against mine when I squeeze him in a hug. The smell of him whenever I kiss him. Everyone of us have our own way of dealing with the loss. Some quietly thinks of him before going to bed. Some dreams of him in their sleep. Some expresses innocently their longiness to play with him again. Some just lingers of the thought of him. I, on the other hand have not fully grasp the loss of him since I have been away for so long. I regret that now. I could have been there many summers ago when my dad taught him and his siblings how to play tennis. I could have been there cheering him on when he started playing basketball. I could have been there to congratulate him in school for a work well done. Or could have been there when he had his first communion. I missed a lot when he was growing up but God has a better plan for him. And I know that he has his wings now and watches over us specially my mom. I just wished we had spent more time with him. More time playing with him. More time making precious memories together. All I have now are pictures of him smilling, that charming smile with his siblings and baby Enchong. A picture of him in his best blue long sleeve shirt and khaki pants with his proud papa receiving an achievement in school. Pictures of him having a grand time in the swimming pool with the whole family. And my most favorite of all, pictures of him with Enchong playing at the garden with the water hose. How time flies. Like Peter Pan, for me, he will never grow up. He will forever be that wide eyed baby boy who likes to play "pitik bulag" or "patintero" with Loi, Tey and Miko. The playful little boy I left behind ten years ago. I guess we have our own way of surviving after a loss of a loved one. I myself is not sure how I would have dealt with seeing someone I love surrender to their illness. Like a candle slowly melting away. God was good to me because He did not let me witness that because He knows I couldn't deal with it at all. I would have fought hard to keep him and that would have rift the family apart. And He is really good to me because He saved me the heartache of that sudden loss. Now, its time to move on. Time to be grateful for our days spend with family. Time to be thankful to God that we have been blessed with the kind of family we have. Thankful that we are alive and be an inspiration to others. And thankful God allowed us to share His angel, Matt Albert with us and spend those wonderful years however short it was with him.